GIRLS WITH THEIR SH_T TOGETHER=INTIMIDATION. BUT WHY?
Every other week for I do not even know how long I would receive the same little small message “marry me” …while the proposer will remain anonymous in this post I will say my reaction to this consistent week after week year after year proposal ranged from flattery, to annoyance to “NO” to WTF to wait is he serious to “STOP!!” to I am filling out the restraining order papers right now to OMG shut it and then back to flattery. And so finally, finally, FINALLY I responded and asked, “Why?”
In actually having a real conversation with the proposer I learned an unwelcome perception about myself I had not realized. Something that does not really sit well with me and something I am admittedly obsessing about enough to write about it. “You are intimidating,” he tells me after the nonsensical marry me chatter faded away and it was just two people talking. I am what? What the what what? “Intimidating” It rang in my head like an ugly Giant smacking a spiked club it in it’s right hand with furrowed brows and an angry snarl. “How can I be intimidating?” I’m barely 5’3 & I have a ballet bun in my hair most days. “How so?” I asked a bit pissy and defensive. “You have a crazy career, and all of the photos on social media, your appearance and you have a very strong personality” It sounded so…. negative. True, I am not an empty vessel nodding my head in empty delight and indifference. The synaptic connections in my brain area always firing on all cylinders. I sat there, pensive. I thought about how since moving back to Southern California each night while walking to my front door there are no less then ten wild bunnies staring at me in anticipation. I thought about how much joy this brings me every morning and every evening and it’s what I’ve always wanted and what I longed for while living in the concrete liberal Jungle of San Francisco for so many years while building Alloria Winter- working 17 hour days, rarely sleeping and pushing myself on pure passionate adrenaline to provide an artistic way for women to feel amazingly beautiful and good about themselves. I painstakingly built Alloria Winter to look, feel and taste a certain way and to some, I guess that or its creator, who has a lead by example disposition, can be, intimidating. But, in the background of all of that, I just wanted grass again, and to hear birds chirp, and insects, and….the bunnies. Wild bunnies that will end up trusting you if you show them a calm nightly routine. Wild bunnies that will inch closer if you crouch down long enough for them to believe you are really just a larger version of their breed. Wild bunnies that will put the biggest glowing smile anyone’s ever seen on your face when they look you in the eye without fear, without flinching, without the need to scurry off. And Wild bunnies that will let their babies graze feet from you because they suspect another smile is on the horizon.
I looked at the proposer after talking for a while and asked, am I intimidating to you now? “No” he said, “not at all, quite the opposite.”
While I can understand the judgments of course people only see the glamour. What they do not see is what my mother knows more then anyone how my life really is. The tale between to cities. Driving at 3am across the state of California, often, driving through twilight zone worthy storms late at night in the middle of no where, screaming crying to my mom on the phone, telling her I love her because I am pretty sure there is a tornado to the left of me and I need to say my last goodbyes while the freak hail pummels my suv. Having a tire blow out at 2am all alone in not so safe Bakersfield with my car spinning across the freeway and I’m just trying to fixate my eyes on the Moon while I ask the creator to not let me die this way, swerving, spinning, praying to God, because clearly God lives in the moon, clearly. Viewing sleep as nothing more then a luxury I do not have time for, having clients call and text me at all hours, playing therapist to their many needs: breakups, cancer, death, esteem issues and gladly giving my advice and my ear as each and everyone of these men and women and their lives mean the world to me. Having good months, scary months and days when I want to throw my hands up and say Fck it and jump out of the window. Taking naps in cabs, seeing double from staring at a computer screen all day, fainting from shooting for 9 hours straight without eating, all while trying to stay ten steps ahead of any photographer in my industry in the entire world. Yes I said the world, I analyze my competition in the boudoir world often, and push myself to edit more creatively and to pour my soul into every single color and piece of light you and I see. To give every client a unique beautiful experience like you just hung out with your new best friend slash life coach slash person that is going to do everything in her power to make you feel like you are the single most adorable special person in the world while teaching you how to pop your hip out and pose like a Mutha F’n Boss. Because in that moment, to me, you are the most interesting person in the world.
I cannot change how people who do not know me view me and granted, I designed that perception, didn’t I? But the bunnies know me, the bunnies trust me the bunnies know what makes me smile and the bunnies know that if the world were to end tomorrow they would be on my mind in those last moments. Not a car, or a shoe or a ring. Just the bunnies and all of the other walking and floating souls I humbly, sincerely, simply adore.
You can be a girl with a strong career and a witty tongue and still crave simplicity, find joy in the smallest moments and feel like it's Christmas during a stroll through the forest.
Now enjoy these summer photos and go out and buy everything we are wearing because obviously it's awesome and I know what the Fck I'm talking about ;O)
American Apparel Body Suit
Acacia Swimwear Blush Lingerie
Stone Cold Fox Bikini
American Apparel White Body Suit Rove Swimweat H&M Shorts
American Apparel Swimsuit and body suit
Tori Praver Bikini